Embrace insecurity to empower yourself
As I walk home I feel ecstatic, spring is in the air and I got the job! Then all of a sudden a change of heart. OMG, I got the job.. why did I ask for this? It seemed as such a good idea at the time, but.. can I actually do this? Quite a strange feeling when you take into consideration I worked hard to get it.
As you know I started working in this international project last November. My first international job and first experience with being abroad three days a week. Although there were many challenges being away from home, the city of Augsburg felt like a warm bath. A nice basketball team, my lovely host Sandra and an intriguing yoga teacher certainly helped me feeling at home. Not to mention the 'Dirty Dutch' nights on Tuesdays and my great LEW colleagues. I switched because I like the idea of being part of a transformation, making change happen. So when the opportunity to move to a lead role in the further roll-out of the project* came knocking, I didn’t hesitate a second. Because when I see an opportunity I like, I just need to jump in, start working and make it happen.
“This super interesting brilliant project would obviously have changed my life.”
The reason why is simple: if you are not clear on you ambition and what you want to do, you'll probably don’t get what you want. This happened to me when I had just started working. I thought if I just deliver great work and put in extra effort every door will open. Then the moment came where I saw a great opportunity and thought: 'this is crazy interesting, it's perfect for me!’, and I waited for my manager to nominate me for the project. So I waited…. nothing happened and even worse.. someone else got the job. I was very disappointed and didn’t get why I wasn’t nominated for this super interesting brilliant project that would obviously have changed my life. I felt unappreciated, sadness was literally dripping from my face. My manager asked me what was going on, so I decided to explain. After an uncomfortably quiet moment he told me: 'If you were interested, why didn’t you tell me? Now I didn’t know and didn’t nominate you.’ The words that popped into my mind are not suitable to write down...
From that moment on I decided to always be clear on my ambition and to be proactive when I want something. It was an easy decision. Unfortunately executing it is way more difficult. in the Netherlands we have this saying: ‘Kinderen die vragen, worden overgeslagen’, which basically means that it’s not polite, maybe even rude to ask for something. And when you ask for something anyway you risk being left out. For me the ‘execution' of asking directly for something was hard, I had to brainwash myself. Intuitively it felt wrong, but then again, I didn’t want to miss out on another great opportunity. So I got over myself and asked anyway. And surprisingly enough I got what I wanted quite often. So I started mastering the art of asking for what I want. A new project, a training, a raise, a job. And although it still feels awkward from time to time, I'm getting better at it.
“Life is not about turning lemons into lemonade.”
Fast forward to me walking home thinking: OMG, did I really ask for this? As you might expect, after reading my story, I had asked to be the lead of the lighthouse project. And when you ask, you sometimes end up getting things. And that's nice, very nice. But of course it can also be frightening at the same time. In my case I had asked for this very challenging job and was now wondering if I could pull it off. There I was, walking in the beautiful streets of Augsburg, all of the sudden feeling lost in our big world. That night, in my apartment I was reading in The subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson. He has this theory that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning better stomach lessons. This made me think...
As for many people, for me it’s hard not to run away for the unknown. But I know that if I embrace my insecurity it will drive me to greater heights where I will find courage and confidence. And that’s where I want to be. In a place that challenges me, that gets me out of my comfort zone. Because in the end.. that’s where you learn new things and when learning new things the insecurity will automatically fade away and that’s what really empowers you. A few weeks have past now, many things have happened and I have already learned many valuable lessons. Sometimes I still feel insecure, but more often I feel balanced and empowered. And more importantly, I feel like I’m climbing again and that’s the best feeling there is.
Picture: After climbing Platteklip Gorge this beautiful view of Camps Bay (Capetown) was waiting for us from the top of Table Mountain.
* For innogy insiders: this is the Lighthouse E+ Product Bundling
